National Coalition Against Parental Alienation

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Posts: 1
At what point do you give up?
Started by Veep 4 months ago
I have gone through a very high conflict divorce that has alienated my two children, age 15 and 16, from me. Both of my teens have taken "Moms" side and refuse any contact with me. The only time I hear from the kids is when they want something financially. My daughter recently contacted me to repair her watch and now that my son is getting his drivers license he is asking for a car. Their sense of entitlement is unbelievable. I spent thousands of dollars on a parent coordinator, and a family reunification therapist which will only work if parents cooperate. Needless to say my ex does not wish to cooperate. She is maliciously compliant and refuses to effectively cooperate. My children have taken to her negativity and use it against me. Recently, I refused to buy my son a car due to his lack of consideration toward me. He is disrespectful and spews hatred at me. This is obviously used against me by the mother. My question is, at what point do I just let go? My son decided that he wanted to call me by my first name and that I was no longer his dad. Unfortunately both kids treat me very poorly. In the past I tried to contact the children daily, which they said was too much and now I contact them weekly. I do not receive any response, unless of course, they want something financially from me.

I understand teenagers go through many emotions, but not loving your own father due to a divorce and negativity spread by their own mother just doesn't make any sense to me. How do I get through to my kids? Everyone I talk to tells me, "they will grow out of this and eventually come your way", but I am missing many years out of their lives. It's like death, only my kids are alive. As a loving father, the agony is very painful.

Posts: 1
Alexander Schrag replied 4 months ago...

I unfortunately do not have an answer for you, but after reading this, it reinforces the fear that I have with my daughter and my daughters mother. She is only a baby right now, but I fear that these same senses of entitlement and negative response to mother's manipulation makes me wonder the same thing. I can't say I know what you are going through, but I completely empathize with your situation. I'm sorry you are going through this. All I can say is that maybe try and have faith that when your kids finally break free from their dependent thinking and begin to think for themselves maybe they will show you the love that you deserve and this entire script may flip in your direction. I want to believe that at least they will continue to grow understanding that you never influenced any ill will in them towards their mother and there could be a good possibility that you will get the love you deserve and much more in the end

Posts: 1
ErasedDad replied 3 months ago...

Hello Veep, I could almost take your writing verbatim and put my name on it. Right down to being called by my first name, which is very typical. Below are a couple of articles and a number of links to other materials that I have collected. It's over 4 years now for me. My children were fed doses of covert negative commentary for years (3, maybe 4 years) without my knowledge. My ex's sister has told me my ex has lied to my children stating horrible things. People who did not want to say anything to me when we were married came to me after we split and shared all sorts of things, including her telling 3 of our 4 children that she was going to divorce me and get our house once our two children who were still in college graduated. She was not able to execute her premeditated plan because I learned and was able to prove that she had been having a (completely sexual) affair with our daughter's boyfriend's father who lived (and lives) in New York, is billionaire media mogul and was and is still married. Since I was able to prove that, she did not get the house (although she did get 1/2 the equity and 1/2 of my IRA/401k funds as a QUADRO and she got no alimony as she had planned. This made her very angry that her financial plan to destroy me was foiled. She had been planning this for some time, she made the statement about divorcing me in front of the children a full year and a half before I learned of her cheating. This is one of the lowest forms of a parent possible, to plot and deceive and manipulate her own children for years as a part of an evil plan to develop angry hateful feelings toward their other parent is unconscionable but it happened. In fact, our daughter who's boyfriend's father was cheating with my ex, refused to speak with her mother for about 8 months. I actually encouraged her to redevelop a relationship with her mother, stating she was human and made mistakes and that she was the only mother she would ever have. So she did end up rebuilding a relationship with her mother and eventually moved from NYC back to VA and moved in with her mother. From the time she did that over 2 years ago she has not communicated with me. So even after all my ex did to her and to our family, she still sucked our daughter back into her covert narcissistic and pathological lying life. So please know that you are far, far from being alone. As far as giving up, I agree with Alexander, that's your call. I hope, pray and believe, that one day at least 2 of the 3 will wake up and see reality, but I also know that it is not something they want to see, so they will live in denial to avoid the pain of accepting reality. In fact, the position that my ex put them in by covertly saying all of that negative junk was a no win situation... tell Dad and betray Mom, don't tell Dad and betray Dad... who does that to a child? Only one of the sickest, lowest forms of a parent possible. Really. Anywho, enough of my "stuff", I hope the information below is helpful.

Eight Symptoms of Parental Alienation 1. Campaign of denigration (the child is turned against the other parent by bad mouthing, criticism, negative comments regarding the other parent; the child is put in a position where they feel that they must choose between their parents and the child must choose a side in order to get out of being put in the middle) 2. Weak, frivolous, or absurd rationalizations for the deprecation (the child’s reason for suddenly not wanting contact with the other parent is trivial, such as they have to eat healthy food, clean their room, etc.) 3. Lack of ambivalence (normally, a child is ambivalent toward their parents; when alienated the child views one parent as all good and the other as all bad) 4. The β€œindependent thinker” phenomenon (the child comes to believe that their opinions about the other parent are their own beliefs and not that of the Alienating Parent; that they were not coached, told what to say, etc.) 5. Reflexive support of the alienating parent in the parental conflict (the child takes the side of the alienating parent in all cases and argues in their support and never defends or sides with the Targeted Parent) 6. Absence of guilt over cruelty to and/or exploitation of the alienated parent (the child has no empathy or compassion toward the target parent) 7. Presence of borrowed scenarios (child makes up stories and incidents where the targeted parent is the villain) 8. Spread of the animosity to the friends and/or extended family of the alienated parent (not only is the child alienated from the target parent, but also from that parent’s extended family – grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.) The eight symptoms of Parental Alienation were originally constructed by Dr. Richard A. Gardner and have been reported, discussed and corroborated by a number of experts in the field including Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D., Robert A. Evans, Ph.D., J. Michael Bone, Ph.D., and Douglas C. Darnall, Ph.D. Seventeen Behaviors of Alienating Parents 1. Badmouthing the other parent; in premeditated instances, this may occur long before the parents split as a way of brainwashing pre-split so that the stage is already set and it is not β€œnew” 2. Limiting Contact between the child and the other parent 3. Interfering with communication between the child and the other parent; this may include numerous techniques such as triangulation and others shown here: 4. Interfering with symbolic communication (no pictures or mention of the other parent in favored parent home) 5. Withdrawal of love and approval 6. Telling the child that the other parent does not love him or her 7. Forcing the child to choose between parents; note that this may be done subtly and in conjunction with #5 above 8. Telling the child that the other parent is dangerous 9. Confiding in the child 10. Forcing the child to reject the other parent 11. Asking the child to spy on the other parent 12. Ask child to keep secrets from the other parent 13. Referring to the other parent by his or her first name and encouraging the child to do the same 14. Referring to a stepparent/new significant other as β€œmom” or β€œdad” and encouraging the child to do the same 15. Withholding medical, academic, or other important information from the other parent and not including that parent’s contact information on relevant documents 16. Changing the child’s name to eliminate the association with the other parent
17. Undermining the authority of the target (other) parent and cultivating dependency on the favored parent Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D., discusses the 17 Parental Alienation strategies and how to respond to them in her article β€œBeyond the High Road”.
Books – Divorce Poison (Great book) - Dr. Richard Warshak - Teaching A Child To Hate
Web Sites - Multiple PA resources - A LOT of Resources about PA - Family Bridges Workshop - Dr. Richard Warshak - Erasing Family Web Site - Erasing Family Facebook - Erasing Family Instagram - Erasing Family Twitter - April 25th – PA Resources/Links – Ryan Thomas – Now Adult Child of PA - PA Descriptions/Information - OutOfTheFog – Top 100 Traits - PA organization - PA Consultant Info site - Five things never to say to alienated child
Videos/Films - Is your child being brainwashed – TV News 3:09
Ryan Thomas Ryan Thomas YouTube Channel Ryan Thomas Collection - Ryan Thomas Speaks Out for the First Time 2:49 – PA Documentary - Ryan Thomas 6:43 - How to Reach Your Alienated Child – Ryan Thomas 3:12 - Ryan Thomas Hating Myself as Child of Alienation 8:53 - Ryan Thomas They ambushed my dad – Ryan Thomas How can alienated parent show love 5:36 - Ryan Thomas Keep Communicating Despite Rejection 18:38 - Ryan Thomas Lightbulb Moment 11:39 - Ryan Thomas What age do kids know they are being lied to 5:31 - Ryan Thomas 2 Day Message Intro - Ryan Thomas Day 1 – New Message 17:13 - Understanding PA - Dr. Steve Miller Why courts fail to recognize parental alienation 7:28 - Dr. Steve Miller Why courts fail to recognize parental alienation 41:10 - Welcome Back Pluto – Chapter 6 – Dr. Richard Warshak 12:49 - Rejected Parents Hurt – Dr. Richard Warshak 5:10 - PAS - Alienating Parents Do Not Love Their Children 5:21 - Why Courts Fail to Recognize PA 7:28 - Erasing Family, the Erasing Dad follow up documentary 4:27 - Erasing Family Trailer 3:19 - Erasing Family Tamra Judge PSA 1:40 - Erasing Family - Tamra Judge Opens Up About Estrangement 3:16 - #Erased Family 4:23 - Infinite Bonds 6:08 – PA Documentary 32:03 – PA Documentary 7:52 – Dr. Benjamin Garber How to detect, prevent and overcome PA 24:55 – PA Gregory Mantell Show – Dr. Jayne Major 25:55 - Dr. Jayne Major – Parentectomy – 1:44 – Dr. Jayne Major – Family Law & PAS 47:44 – Dr. Jayne Major – Family Law & PAS Except – Part 2 6:04 – Dr. Jayne Major – Family Law & PAS Except – Part 3 6:09 – Dr. Jayne Major – Broken court system 11:41 - Dr. Amy Baker on Intervue 30:48 - Dr. Amy Baker on PAS & Personality Disorders Link 36:57 - Dr. Amy Baker on PAS and Adult Children – Toronto 54:45 - Dr. Amy Baker on PAS on WABC TV 7:45 - Dr. Amy Baker On PA – Getting Curious Podcast 40:16 - Dr. Amy Baker on Divorce Registry Podcast 35:45 - Dr. Amy Baker on Dads Divorce 7:48 - Dr. Amy Baker on WCAX TV 3:54 New York Series - Dr. Amy Baker on PAS – New York 2:16:07 - Dr. Amy Baker on PAS – New York 1:05:46 - Dr. Amy Baker on PAS – New York – Q&A 1:10:20 Montreal Series Toronto Series - Dr, Richard Sauber on Forensic Evaluuations – Toronto 1:15:00 - Dr. Terence Campbell on Why Isn’t PA More Frequent – Toronto 1:05:59 - Dr. Marty McKay on Due Professionals Aid & Abet PAS – Toronto 52:19 – Dr. Douglas Darnall on Breaking the Stalemate in PAS – Toronto 55:32 - Dr. Michael Bone Treatment for Alienated Children – Toronto 56:28 - Pamela & Bob Hoch on Rebuilding the Ties That Bind – Toronto 21:04 - Dr. Demosthenes Lorandos on Is PAS Scientific – Toronto 1:18:16 - Bob Finlay Mediation Strategies to Manage PAS Disputes – Toronto 1:08:02 - Gwendolyn Landolt on How legislation & courts encourage PAS 39:29 – Main link to her page, videos below - Dr. Sue Cornbluth – PA Speech on Capitol Hill 8:29 - Dr. Sue Cornbluth – Stop living in the past 2:04 - Dr. Sue Cornbluth – Are you fighting the right fight 7:49 - Dr. Sue Cornbluth – My Alienated Child Won’t Talk To Me 7:07 - Dr. Sue Cornbluth – How to Rebond with your Alienated Child 4:49 - Dr. Sue Cornbluth – Breaking thru Alienator’s Conditions 8:39 - Dr. Sue Cornbluth – Tips on Initiating Contact w/ Alienated Child 4:57 - Dr. Sue Cornbluth – Specific Plan to Reunify w/ Your Alienated Child 4:33 – Dr. Sue Cornbluth – How your kids feel about PA 3:49 - Dr. Sue Cornbluth – Where to put your energy toward reunification 4:06 - Dr. Sue Cornbluth – How can authenticity can change PA 3:37 - Dr. Joshua Cleman – When Parents Hurt 6:35 - Dr. Glen Caddy on The Dynamics of Mind Control – Toronto 45:03 - Panel Discussion PAS Conference – Toronto 21:03 - Dr. Abraham Workenklein Themes Energizing PA – Toronto 54:12 - Pamela Richardson on A Kidnapped Mind – Toronto 36:37 - TedTalk - Dr. Jennifer Harman – PA 13:41 - Dr. Phil on PA 4:11 - How to turn around PA 7:13 - The 3 biggest signs of PA 4:10 - Brainwashing – PA Documentary 50:59 - PA - Personal story - Coping with the nightmare 12:01 - Legal - Building a case to prove PA 4:23 - PA - Father’s story 2:21 – A Collection (various) - Memories of a monster – Illustrating brainwashing 24:03 - PA - Devastating Consequences 5:20 - PA & Narcissistic Personality Disorder Link 11:58 - PA Revisited Part 1 10:13 - PA Responsibility of extended family 4:35 – PAS Series (Various) - Gardner PAS Series – All 3:35:00 - Coping mechanisms of one mother 13:30 – Erasing One Side 4:04 Dr. Childress Series – CSU - Dr. Craig Childress – Treatment of Attachment-Based PA 1:47:08 - Dr. Craig Childress on PA 32:40 - PA from child welfare lawyer 38:12 - PA - Never Give Up

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